Kaohsiung Hash: Letter of welcome to KH3

Greetings, Kaohsiung Hashers. Welcome to TouLiu                                   

I am very excited (and I am sure the rest of the TouLiu hash family are as well) to welcome you to YunLin County – the ‘Orchard of Taiwan’. We have a great weekend ahead of us.

For sure, ‘US’, means a huge group of hashers, so hopefully, my little expose below will help to make things run a little less chaotically.

No doubt, the maneuvering of a crowd this large – with or without the omnipresence of alcohol – can be a daunting task. Fear not! Two of your hares have been militarily trained, and the third hails from a nation renowned for its organizational ability!

In particular, the convoys are going to be a bit of a logistic nightmare; please familiarize yourself with HF’s schedule. Departure times must be adhered to. (One late arrival delays the action for 50 others!).

On a less ‘authoritarian’ note, hashing in and around TouLiu can be a little different to similar endeavors closer to Kaohsiung; our mountains are a little higher, our wildlife a little wilder.  The place is pregnant with ‘trail’ just waiting to be hashed. For me, encountering the spectacular and abundant wild life in these mountains is a real pleasure. I often come across troops of Red-Faced Formosan Macaques. These are not the pussy little apes of Monkey Mountain, so, please do not try to approach them – and definitely do not try to feed them. (Staring games are ok, but remember, they embarrass easily). Amongst the tea plantations, you may see the fluffy Formosan Hare, possibly even a mongoose or two, and in the forests, Pallas’s squirrel (and even sometimes the Giant Indian Flying Squirrel – they sure do fly far) are often encountered. However, it is my fervent wish that you get up close to the magnificent Crested Serpent Eagle. (I once got close enough to one, that I could feel the wash of its 1.3m wing span as it flew off). The call and response of a pair of these raptors must surely be one of nature’s most gorgeous sounds. 

Unfortunately, a veritable ‘Garden of Eden’ such as this, does, by default, comes with a selection of more ‘serpentine-like creatures. It has been my experience to encounter our slithery friends on a more regular basis in these hills, than around Kaohsiung. Now, I certainly don’t wish to add a fear factor to your hashing experience, but it would be somewhat amiss not to address the issue. Be reassured, that in all of my encounters, the snakes have showed little aggression, and have chosen instead to move off as fast as their little redundant pelvises will allow. (None so far, have attempted to engage me in any type of discourse, so feel free to help yourself to the fruit you will encounter on trail). It is also true, that it is the happy lot of the Hares to come across these dudes first on trail, and they are usually well gone by the time the happy harriers come along later (so…..stay well back??). However, in the very-unlikely event of a snake-bite, there are certain dos and don’ts, one should be aware of:

• Do, remember details of the snakes’ appearance – serum is snake-specific.
• Do whatever it takes to slow down your heartbeat; sit down, take deep breaths, and don’t move. As in any crisis, panicking has little merit, as does anything that will speed up blood circulation. (Jerking off is definitely out!)
• Tie a tourniquet around the limb, between the wound and the heart. Do not cut off blood circulation completely. (old shoe laces would work well here)
• Keep the wound lower than the heart. IE, if you have taken a strike to the hand, don’t lift your hand above your head.
• Get on the friggin cell phone and call one of the hares. We will carry you off to the nearest hospital, all of which, I believe, are well equipped with serum. It will help if you have some idea of where you are on trail; “after the first check”,” after the second runners/walkers loop” etc. (If Anal Nav. gets bit, call HF or Spammy – no way I’m carrying that dude anywhere!)
• Don’t drink alcohol – it thins the blood.
• Don’t try to reduce any swelling; using ice etc.
• Don’t try to suck out the venom (even if you’ve taking a direct hit to the knob) 

I am also excited to welcome you to my little bar – Roxy’s. Expecting a bit of a crush, I am introducing a few measures to hopefully speed up the dispensing of the amber nectar (and other) to the thirsty masses. I will be selling books of 5 tickets for 400nt, (that’s 80nt each, for you mathematically challenged f@#$ks), each of which will entitle the owner to 500ml’s of Tiger draft beer. (Of course there will be a full refund for any unused tickets). You will be able to buy beer tickets – and TouLiu Hash T-shirts (350nt) – at the finish, during dinner and at the bar. For the more discerning of beer drinkers, I have a full range of deluxe beers – unfortunately none at a reduced price.

• Heineken/Corona/Guinness: 100nt
• Kirin/Stella/1664: 110nt
• Hoegaarden/Pironi/Erdinger Weiss bier: 130nt
• Hunters Cider: 140nt
• Abbot Ale/Old Speckled Hen: 150nt 

I also offer a full range of mixed drinks, all at 150nt each. Finally, the kitchen will be open until midnight – try out my chicken wings with real blue cheese sauce.

Another option will be to visit one of two nearby bars – both within a 10 minute walk from Roxy’s. First up is RELAX bar. Décor seems to be a combo of Japanese kitsch and Moorish Spain(?). The bar has a good whisky selection, but can be a little pricey. Music seems to run the gamut from Canto pop to Mongolian Yak-Wrestling Chants. The owner, however, is a dick! – Even though I often pop in for a single malt, and have often directed business his way, he has yet to even greet me. 

Second, and rather a favorite of mine is SUNFLOWER, run by Mr. Miso, a quite spoken entomologist, three years shy of retirement. The place is comfortable and boasts a phenomenal vinyl record collection. And – and this is a strange combination of words – he only does requests! However, SUNFLOWER has a rather limited drinks selection. 

Directions to both establishments are available on request, and will also be indicated on the TouLiu city centre maps, which will be issued on arrival.

So far, we are having great weather in TouLiu – sunny, dry and with low humidity.  If the days are clear, you can see all the way to the Bashi-friggin-channel! However, it is true we will be hashing at altitude, and it can get chilly at night. Please make sure you (and especially the kids) have warm clothing available at the finish.

It is true, nothing is far from anything in TouLiu, and at any stage, you folk never will be far from either highway’s 1 or 3. So, if the lure of the open road lacks certain intensity on Sunday after lunch, Roxy’s will again be open until about 6.00pm (same deal as before). 

Then, this fucker pledges to sleep!