Crampee Buxibum and virgin hare Right Kind of Wang successfully managed to make us climb far too many stairs at Lantan Reservoir in Chiayi. Hashers were heard cursing far and wide as they came to yet another set of stairs or couldn’t actually find the runner’s trail.
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After a confused crowd of first timers and disoriented second timers, we got to our two third timers, Patrick and Laleh. Patrick was named 2 Girls 1 Cup for not realizing that a pair of lesbians were just playing with him to snag his alcohol. Laleh was named Biohazard since she’s an Iranian supergenius who tests things out on her husband, I Ran From MILFS.
Potty Mouth had predictably lost the women’s hashit. She nominated the “lady palace” for painting her with toxic paint, first timer Will for his superb animal print fashion, and Sheetstain for trusting in her shortcut capabilities. The hallowed plastic penis went to Will, who looked like he had been separated from the rest of LMFAO.
Zamboner had also predictably lost the men’s hashit. He nominated the “lady palace” for not inviting him to the toxic paint party, CBB for running a red light and endangering the convoy, and himself for losing the hashit twice. CBB won, because we of the hash care deeply about safety. It had nothing to do with recent resentment over the amount of stairs on trail.
Whiteout proved to be the most effective hashit snatcher, and we rewarded her with a drink. She also proved to have a strong spanking hand, which was so deftly administered on my own backside on trail that I asked for another in spite of myself. This sight in turn excited 2 Girls 1 Cup to the point that he needed a drink as well, having been thirsty ever since those lesbians left him in the dust. Sheetstain announced that he used to run but was now content with sticking his feet in Red Light Groove’s face. Mother Sucker and Whiskey O’Clock were starting an indie hip hop band, and if that fails, they’ll be poster girls for Jerry’s Kids. Glad69 was leaving articles of clothing on trail, because he really shouldn’t have to pick up his own hat. Boner Bender and Coke Whore were accused of being Debbie Downers on trail, so we thought they should mix some beer in with the negativity. Cuntry Bushwacker got to a particularly daunting set of stairs and gave up. We rewarded Ballsy Bitch for her color coordinated yellow accessories. The “lady palace” was nominated for using toxic body paint that left them covered in rashes. The Germans were tagged for having manly handbags and for invading Douliu, long a stronghold of the South African contingent. We then turned our attention to some violent stash abuse that occurred in retaliation for Ballsy Bitch and STD leaving condoms in Sweet Gnome Alabama’s room. First timers tried to “make a reservation” for the hash, because we’re a classy and upscale establishment. The only thing Natural Orgasm heard on trail was “Fuck Hugo.” See, no resentment at all! Kalahari Princess was seen breaking steps with her ass, because she’s that good. Glad69 was given a turn with the penis cup for stash abuse and giving backtrack lectures. Joe Shlomo and Kalahari Princess were canoodling and trusting a tiny foldout chair to hold their weight.
But just when you thought the night was over, those of us who went to the restaurant for dinner were treated to a surprise show that DDT has named “The Zoo.” As we sat outside, looking through the large glass windows at the other patrons, a young man in front of us began to twirl a napkin so deeply in both of his nostrils that he must have touched his brain. This went on for several minutes, during which none of this boy’s relatives thought to stop him. But it gave us all a good laugh, and that’s really more important than his embarrassment
The next hash will be a killer thriller zombified good time this Saturday. Meet at 6 pm at the Douliu baseball stadium. I expect fantastic outfits, people! On On!
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